no more

i don’t want to
talk to you
because i know
i could not say no
i don’t want to
see you
even if i miss you
because i don’t
want to see
the hurt in your face
and the pain in your eyes
i know this is cowardice
i know you don’t deserve this
but i can’t, i don’t want to
i never want to see
your heartbreak
because its the one thing
i promised i’d never do
for your sake
but i did
i went back on all i said
all i promised
i left and i hurt you—
badly too
and now you’re begging
for me to take you back
for another chance
for just one chance
and i’m confused and uncertain
as to what i should do
and what i’m feeling
because i know i loved you
i know i did
God, how i did
i know you loved me too
you knew me better than anyone
you took care of me
we can talk about everything
and you knew what i thought
before i even said it
you spoiled me, really
i would have run back to you
in a heartbeat
if things aren’t as they are
i keep thinking
i should just take you back
that maybe
it would make both of us happy
there would be no more
of this pain
but then,
but then there was a reason
i left you
even if i did
there was a reason
i ended us
even if i know we’ll both be hurt
and what was the point
of me doing that
if i’m just gonna take it all back
there was a reason
and the reason is me
because i have decided
to put myself first
after a long time of me
being second, third, fourth
in my own life
in my own damned life
i love you, but
i love myself too
i’m just starting to realize that now
i realized i didn’t want to
say ‘okay’ anymore
even if its not
just because i wanted
to put your needs and wants first
more than my own
my dear, i was under the impression
that making you happy
would, in turn, make me happy, too
and it did,
truly did
until i noticed
that the sweetness
began to have a sour aftertaste
until i noticed
that it was only me
who was under that impression
until i noticed
you weren’t even willing to do
any of the things i was willing
to go over the moon for you
i realized
that it was tiring
and i
didn’t want that for myself
i wanted someone who can love me
as i loved him
i owed that to myself
and i owed it to you
to be truthful
oh, my dearest
maybe i’m your heartbreak
or maybe i’m your lesson
or maybe i’m both
so i’m saying now
i didn’t really want to eat
in that restaurant
it wasn’t okay for you
to buy something pricey for yourself
when all my money went to
paying for both of our needs
it wasn’t okay
that you leave me home, alone
while you are out
happily drumming away your woes
it wasn’t okay
that you were busy
while my parents just wanted you
to talk to them
it wasn’t okay
that you were never available for them
in the two years
we were together
it wasn’t okay
that you were busy
that you didn’t have time
for the two months
my dad was in the hospital
it wasn’t okay
that you were busy
it wasn’t okay
that you didn’t have time
and i needed you
i badly needed you
i told you i needed you
i begged you
i begged you
but you didn’t listen
you weren’t there

you were busy
you were busy

and there i was
every bit as broken
as you are now
asking why you couldn’t do for me
what i would’ve done for you
a hundred times over
asking why you didn’t
when you easily could have
why i gave you everything of me
and you didn’t do the same
why i put you first
and you put me fifth
you said you wanted
to make things right
between us
you said you missed me
you said you’d do anything for me
you said you’re hurting
and you can’t live without me
you said it pains you when
you see me smile
and you’re not there for it
you said you’d probably die single
you want a chance
you didn’t want to throw
the two years away for nothing
do you see the pattern there?
its you again
you’re doing this for yourself
you want me to be there for you
when you can’t do the same for me
you want me to come back
when you didn’t even stop me from going
do you see?
i don’t want to
go through this again
i don’t want to have to
feel guilty
that i can’t put you first
when i put myself foremost
i want to know
how it feels like
to put myself first
and just be happy about it
i want to live my life
not live for someone else
i want to be who i am
and not who you need me to be
you see, i am doing this for myself
and my family
’cause my love for both overpowers
my love for you,
supersedes what we went through
so those twenty months weren’t a waste,  my dear
it was beautiful while it lasted
but then it didn’t
it was the best thing that ever happened
but then it wasn’t
maybe this is why
we have regrets
maybe this is meant to happen
maybe we’ll meet in another life
and maybe we’ll love each other right
or maybe even in the future
we’ll again, be each other’s light
maybe we’ll always have maybes
and that’s fine
that’s life
it’s one big, giant mess
that’s the beauty of it
maybe, my dearest, or maybe not
as for now,
no more


2 thoughts on “no more”

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